How to have Holiness when Setting Boundaries in Relationships

How to have Holiness when Setting Boundaries in Relationships

What does holiness have to do with setting boundaries in relationships? Absolutely everything!

“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.” ~ Hebrews 12:14 NIV

My father-in-law officiated my wedding and provided premarital counseling.  He gave my husband and me the best advice about setting boundaries and establishing our little family as separate from my family and my husband’s family. For the first year of our marriage, he encouraged us to spend every holiday by ourselves.

Yep, you heard that right! My husband and I spent the first year of holidays by ourselves, except when we went to my in-laws for leftovers for Thanksgiving.  (My first Thanksgiving meal did not turn out so well.)

We did not recognize the benefits of setting boundaries in relationships with family during that first year until the second year into our marriage. Our choices for how we spent holidays were up to us, and there were few to no expectations about where we would be and what we would do.  More than two decades later, the boundaries we have with our extended family about holidays remain. This helps my little family enjoy relationships with each other and with our extended family.

What does it mean to set boundaries?

The best way to answer the question, “What does it mean to set boundaries?” is to look at God’s boundaries with us.

God has boundaries in relationships with us, but it is not a holiday that determines our boundaries. Our actions determine the boundaries God puts in place.  Sin creates a boundary of separation, while holiness opens God’s boundaries for us to experience his presence. Holiness allows us to draw us into a close, intimate relationship with God. In other words, God uses boundaries to separate the holy from the unholy.

1 Peter 1:16 NIV says, “for is it written: ‘Be holy, because I am holy.’”

God’s examples of boundaries

In Exodus 19: 23 NIV, Moses spoke to God, “The people cannot come up Mount Sinai, because you yourself warned us, ‘Put limits around the mountain and set it apart as holy.’ “

“Hang the curtain from the clasps and place the ark of the covenant law behind the curtain.  The curtain will separate the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place.” ~ Exodus 26:33 NIV

God used the mountain’s limits and the curtain in the temple to separate or create a boundary between holy and unholy places.  The purpose of the boundaries and limits was to protect the holy places, or the places of God’s presence, from being defiled.

Just like God put boundaries in place to protect the holy places, we need boundaries in relationships because we have the presence of God within us. 1 Corinthians 6:19 says that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit.  Therefore, we must keep ourselves holy by setting boundaries in relationships.

1 Corinthians 6:19 NIV says, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?”

How to have holiness when setting boundaries in relationships

1 Thessalonians 4:7 NIV says, “For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.”

“Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” ~ Proverbs 13:20 NIV

Now that we have looked at God’s boundaries, what does it mean to set boundaries in our everyday relationships? Setting healthy boundaries in relationships occurs when we are:

• seeing others through a veil of holiness
• spending time in God’s holy presence
• being clear and firm with boundaries

Setting boundaries in relationships: seeing others through a veil of holiness

Share the faith journey with others who keep their eyes on Jesus.  I am blessed with a beautiful group of ladies on the faith journey with me. We discussed boundaries, and one of my faith journey friends sent a message about Moses and his veil being one of the best examples of boundaries in the Bible.  In Exodus 34:29-35, Moses’ face turns radiant from being in the presence of God.

Exodus 34:33 NIV says, “When Moses finished speaking to them (the Israelites), he put a veil over his face.” From that point forward, every interaction Moses had with the Israelites was filtered through the boundary of a veil.  We also need to wear holiness as a veil to screen for our eyes so that we are not harmed in the companion of fools, as Proverbs 13:20 indicates.

Spending time in God’s holy presence

Just like Moses, we need to spend time in God’s holy presence.  We must maintain the radiance that only comes from spending time with God.  Luke 5:16 also explains that Jesus spent time alone with God.

Luke 5:16 NIV says, “But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”

Spending time in God’s presence, with our eyes fixed on Jesus, is the only way to dwell in purity and to live a holy life.

Setting healthy boundaries: be clear and firm

Matthew 5:37 NIV says, “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”

For another example of setting healthy boundaries, take a few minutes to read Daniel 3 about the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They kept their eyes upon God and refused to bow to the idols made for the king. The astrologists at the time made some accusations against the three men.

The men did not respond with complaining, whining, or blaming in return. They did not attempt to please the king over God, and they did not involve others in their problem.  Listen to their boundary-setting response:

“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” ~ Daniel 3: 16-18

How does their story end?  God joins them in the fiery furnace, and they come out of that furnace without being harmed in any way.  Nebuchadnezzar praises God and promotes Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in Babylon.

Dear Christian friend, spend some time today thanking Jesus for his death and resurrection.  When he died, the temple curtain tore so that we can have a close, intimate relationship with God. We can now enter God’s presence and fix our eyes on Jesus to live in holiness with God and others. Then, God will give you his wisdom on setting boundaries in relationships.

My Christian blogging sister, Mary Rooney Armand, wrote this beautiful article, How to Develop Healthy Boundaries for Yourself and Your Relationships, on her blog, butterflyliving.org.  Click on the article and check out her resources for more information on boundaries.

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